I like to call this one "Things not to ask a pregnant woman" but the title seemed a little long. This may become a regular segment until the end of July since I hear that the more pregnant you are the more inappropriate the questions become. People around me have behaved pretty well so far, but I'm going to try to limit this to only questions that I have personally been asked. However, every once in a while you might get a freebie.
For instance this one: This post is dedicated to - and indirectly inspired by - Ryan "Mr. Manners" Seacrest. He decided that the red carpet interview at the oscars was a perfectly appropriate venue to ask Jessica Alba if she was planning to breastfeed. Thank you Captain Inappropriate. My theory is that it was his bid to quash the gay rumors once and for all. Sorry sunshine. You're still just a little too pretty.
Alright, enough with that sideshow. On to the main event!
Question #1 - Have you picked a name?
This question is not, in an of itself, inappropriate. It becomes inappropriate when the asker gets pushy about it. When a mom-to-be doesn't have a name picked out or doesn't want to share the name she'll often say something like, "We have a few we're considering but we're not sure yet." An appropriate response to this is something along the lines of, "Well I'm sure you're just as excited to find out who's in there as the rest of us are." If the asker pushes any farther beyond that - and they're over the age of 18 - they deserve to be messed with a little bit.
So I've invented a game I call Pick a Preposterous Pronoun. When I sense that someone is getting a little pushy, or when - stinkiest of all cheeses - they suggest that their own name would be the perfect moniker for my new little one, I do the following:
I pretend to relent and say, "Well actually we have picked a name, we just haven't told many people yet." This inevitably shuts them up because they expect me to tell them our name choice although they are neither family nor a close friend. Then I say, "Whether it's a boy or a girl, we're going to name the baby Indiana." I wait a beat. If they don't get it, I continue, "I mean, I only know of one person named Indiana Jones and he's fictional. So I think it's a pretty original name, don't you?"
Now, 98% of people get that I'm messing with them at that point. And believe me, nothing shuts down a Nosey Nellie faster than giving them the sense that they've been sweetly outsmarted by the innocent looking pregnant girl. They usually respond with an, "Oh you silly." or something like that and quickly change the subject. Another benefit of this game is that it helps to identify the intelligent people around me who overheard the exchange. They're the ones who are smirking silently to themselves.
If you don't happen to have the last name Jones, fear not! Just pick a preposterous pronoun that works with your last name. Think Charlotte Webb or Harrison Harris. You can also choose the name of any number of celebrities or literary characters. I know a guy who insists that when their daughter is born in April, they'll name her "Either Britney, Paris or Lindsay". This statement either causes people to chuckle in amusement and back off or assume he's not the poor girl's real father. Either way, it's pretty entertaining! Watch the puzzlement on Nosey Nellie's face when you explain that you're going to name your firstborn son Albus Skywalker or, if it's a girl Hermione Leia. This tactic will win you the added bonus of being excluded from any committees formed to choose the theme of upcoming community events.
The point is, be creative, keep a smile on your face and enjoy! After all, no one will ever expect the helpless mommy to be of any mischief... until it's too late. Stay tuned for more inappropriate questions and subtly sarcastic responses.
Seacrest Out
