Pack it up, pack it in. Let me begin.

First off, if you're a child of the 80's let me just say: You're welcome. Because any true child of the 80's will now have the lyrics to the inimitable 1992 chart-topper "Jump Around" by House of Pain stuck in the old noggin for at least the next two hours. Again I say, "You're welcome."

Now on the the real business at hand. I've been avoiding this post for nearly three weeks. I don't know why. I only know of a few people who read these posts regularly, and you all already know what's going on in my life anyway. As for you lurkers (yes, I see your hits!) if you must continue lurking, you're going to get the mundane, sad, and/or slightly personal stuff along with the photos of my adorable kid and tales of her antics. That's just the way I blogroll. Or something.

The reason for the title is that moving into a new year is supposed to be all about new beginnings. People are supposed to be able to look back and say, "yeah, that didn't turn out at all like I thought it would. But hey! Here comes a new chance to make things better!" The thing about new beginnings is that sometimes they only come after some painful endings. You kind of do have to pack it in sometimes in order to begin again. My (slightly) painful ending just happened to come right after the new year. It came right when I was feeling like 2010 was a new start. Anyway, here goes...

On January 7th, I got laid off. For those of you not familiar with the situation (or unable to count that high) I am currently looking for my 5th job in about 14 months. I don't talk about my job much on the blog, and that's by design. I don't want to be defined by what I do. On the rare occasion that I'm not blogging about the munchkin and her antics I'd rather blog about who (and whose) I am than what I do. However, this whole job situation over the past year has kind of thrown me for a little loop emotionally and that's what I felt I needed to share.

The first couple of lay-offs were basically industry driven. I was in a business that slowed down tremendously, plain and simple. This last one was a little different. I left a stable, full-time job with good benefits to take my most recent venture. It was also full-time with benefits, plus it seemed to have a great potential for growth. They really liked me and created a position to bring me on board. Three months later they realized that creating a position might have some unintended consequences for the company as a whole and they decided to discontinue the position. There were no other positions available so... too bad for me.

Vague enough for you?

Good.

The thing is I still love the people I worked with and think the company is amazing. I believe in who the are and what they do. I don't want to be specific because I don't ever want to come off like I'm bad-mouthing anyone. I suppose all I really want is to vent a little. No matter how a job ends, it comes out feeling a little like a break-up. Just like in a break-up, the other person can have the best of intentions and sincerely say, "It's not you, it's me." Still, the one who's been dumped wonders "maybe it's at least a little bit me".

I found myself asking why a lot. Wouldn't you? I mean, I did all the "right" things. I looked for direction, I sought guidance. When I was thinking about leaving a stable job with good benefits (but very little growth potential) for this new opportunity I prayed sincerely that God would close the door if it wasn't meant to be. I really truly felt like taking the new job was the right step. Once I started the job I felt like it was where I would be for a long time, maybe even a whole career. I spent a week or so after the lay off distractedly trying to figure out what I had missed. Was there some sign that I overlooked? Was I so excited that I glossed over what the Lord was trying to tell me? I honestly didn't think so.

I also spent some time distracted by self-pity. Was it really God's plan for me to out there, floating, jobless again!?!? If so, I just needed to let him know that I don't like that plan very much. Humph! I think I really did make that frustrated sound and cross my arms like a three year old a couple of times. I mean, we have bills to pay. I don't work for extra money, my pay helps meet the needs of our family, not the desires. A job loss for me isn't a small occurrence. It could easily be a catastrophe. Doesn't God know that!?! So after my week of ranting and self pity, I decided that there's got to be something bigger going on here.

I have an unwavering and sometimes irrational need to believe that everything happens for a reason. Not in a "The Secret" sort of "you brought your terminal illness on yourself with your negative thoughts" kind of way. It's more a desperate need to learn something from even the stinkiest of experiences. No matter what's going on I want to feel like someday I'm going to look back and think, "Nope, that situation still totally sucked. But at least I learned X, Y & Z from it." More than anything I want to believe that if I keep an open mind and a good attitude, there's a little seed of something good in even the worst situation. Even if I don't see it right away.

I learned a long time ago that I'm not in control of nearly anything in my life. I mean seriously. Who can guarantee that they'll even take the next breath they need to live? If I didn't already have a firm grasp on my lack of control, having a kid certainly cemented that little lesson in my mind quickly! Can I get a show of hands on how many moms have successfully made their newborn stop a three hour crying session? Didn't think so. I think Norah was about 7 months old when I first saw her, "I know you just said no, but I'm gonna go ahead with my plan anyway." look. I have no more control over the happenings in my life than I do over what color the sun turns the sky when it sets. It's just too big for me to have any measurable say in it.

So if I'm not in control of what happens, it stands to reason that the only way to feel a least partially sane is to try to remain in control of the way I respond. When your newborn starts in on hour three of Screamfest 2008 sometimes you've just gotta blast the iPod and bounce (gently) along. So I've been trying to do that. And I've been doing an okay job of it, I think. While I have a little free time (ha) between looking for a new job and interviewing I've been working on ways of improving our lifestyle a little. I'm clipping more coupons (seriously had NO idea how much that can save you! Do you know that if you do it right, there are stores that will essentially pay YOU to take their stuff?). I'm getting organized (little by little). I'm doing my best to be a good steward of what we have. There's not much about our situation that I can control right now, but I'm doing the best I can.

The biggest thing is that I'm trying to remember who is in control. Perhaps it stands to reason that my response to a given situation is all that I can control, but that reasoning leaves out a huge component. God. While I'm doing all I can to remain in control of my emotions, there is One who sees a much more complete picture than I do. He's not some fairy godmother who pops on the scene to work things out when I get into a jam. He's there with me every step of the way. He sees the end from the beginning. The only thing that I'm truly in control of is my choice to trust Him. I love my mom's explanation of this choice. She gave it to me before I had Norah, but I like to personalize it a little bit now.

*****

When Norah and her daddy are going somewhere, she reaches up for him. She continues walking on her own power but she knows she's going with Daddy. Once she wraps her little hand around his finger she doesn't ask if he's going to lead her off a cliff. She doesn't worry that he'll push her out in traffic. In a parking lot, it's Daddy who stops and waits for the cars. When she feels him move again she knows it's safe. From her perspective, things might look a little different than they do to Daddy, but if she keeps her hand in his she doesn't have to worry about getting there safely. When her hand leaves his she can be off in a different direction before she even knows it (can I get an amen!?!). Most of the time, she doesn't even know where the final destination is. She wouldn't be able to go the right direction on her own if she tried! What Norah can control is her grip on Daddy. As far as the rest of the journey goes, well, that's Daddy's job.

*****

There's not much I can control in this life. Life has proven that to me over and over. So, I'm packin' up my baggage - such as it is - and I'm going along for the ride. As long as I keep my hand firmly in Daddy's I'm pretty sure we'll end up where we're supposed to. And maybe if I'm good we'll get ice cream on the way.