Maternity Clothes - A Rant

The Preface

First let me start by reminding you all that I live in a small town now. To further accentuate my point, allow me to explain our shopping situation here in Durango. Our "mall" consists of approximately 15 stores, depending on how many of them are out of business at any given time. The major stores in the mall are JC Penny's ("serving Durango since 18 something-something"), Linens 'n Things, Pier 1, a Sears that only sells appliances and lawn mowers, and an array of small no name department stores usually headquartered in the mid-west that rotate through the main department store space before dying a slow death. Since we've been here I believe there have been three stores in that storefront. We also have several teenie bopper stores including - oddly enough - Pacific Sunwear. Half the kids in Durango couldn't tell you which direction the Pacific is from here, but whatever. 

The only store in town that offers a maternity department is Wal Mart. A brief word picture of the Wal Mart maternity department: pathetic. It consists of one rack of clothes roughly 3 feet wide and 6 feet tall directly next to the five racks of surgical scrubs which, frankly are quite attractive in comparison.

The Rant

So the pregnant girl is going to rant about the poor selection of maternity clothes in her small town. Real original Shel. WRONG! I've discovered a surprisingly lush selection of maternity clothes here in Durango. It's just not exactly where I might have expected. I have good news for my preggo friends across the country (at my last count, I have 6 friends besides myself who are in various stages of incubation). Unfortunately this news may prove disturbing for mothers of teenage girls everywhere. 

I, a 20-blah-blah-year-old, six month pregnant, married woman have been buying most of my clothes in the junior's department. Pregnant women everywhere rejoice! There's a wealth of cute, fun tops roomy enough to carry you well into the 7th month readily available to you (and for cheap too!). It just so happens that these adorable maternity clothes are being marketed to your 15-year-old cousin. 

I must admit, shopping in the

 junior's section while obviously knocked up has earned me a few uncomfortable moments. I don't think I look THAT young, but I've noticed several concerned and disapproving looks from moms shopping with their daughters. I just smile and try to reach for things with my left hand. Just last weekend, a mother less than five feet away from me said to her daughter rather loudly, "No honey. Pick a smaller size. I don't want you wearing those blousy tops, they might make you look pregnant." Huh, I wonder what could have given her that idea. Perhaps the fact that I was wearing the shirt pictured below, which was purchased on a recent outing to the junior's department at TJ Maxx in Farmington.

Maybe I should just be grateful for this unfortunate shift in the winds of fashion. Instead I'm somewhat concerned with the fashion sense of America's youth. While I think we can all agree that this trend is far less offensive than the "bad catholic schoolgirl" belly shirt look that was popular in my high school days, it's still slightly disturbing. A young lady with inattentive parents could easily disguise a bun in the oven for several months before coming clean to the unsuspecting grandparents-to-be. I only hope that by shopping in the same area as the impressionable youth of my town I will help to snap them out of this tent-as-a-top fad. My secret, devious hope is that I walk into the local coffee shop and run into some snotty teen queen - perhaps one who's been rude to my cousin lately - and she'll be wearing the same outfit as me.

Just Don't Ask

I like to call this one "Things not to ask a pregnant woman" but the title seemed a little long. This may become a regular segment until the end of July since I hear that the more pregnant you are the more inappropriate the questions become. People around me have behaved pretty well so far, but I'm going to try to limit this to only questions that I have personally been asked. However, every once in a while you might get a freebie. 

For instance this one: This post is dedicated to - and indirectly inspired by - Ryan "Mr. Manners" Seacrest. He decided that the red carpet interview at the oscars was a perfectly appropriate venue to ask Jessica Alba if she was planning to breastfeed. Thank you Captain Inappropriate. My theory is that it was his bid to quash the gay rumors once and for all. Sorry sunshine. You're still just a little too pretty.

Alright, enough with that sideshow. On to the main event!

Question #1 - Have you picked a name?

This question is not, in an of itself, inappropriate. It becomes inappropriate when the asker gets pushy about it. When a mom-to-be doesn't have a name picked out or doesn't want to share the name she'll often say something like, "We have a few we're considering but we're not sure yet." An appropriate response to this is something along the lines of, "Well I'm sure you're just as excited to find out who's in there as the rest of us are." If the asker pushes any farther beyond that - and they're over the age of 18 - they deserve to be messed with a little bit. 

So I've invented a game I call Pick a Preposterous Pronoun. When I sense that someone is getting a little pushy, or when - stinkiest of all cheeses - they suggest that their own name would be the perfect moniker for my new little one, I do the following:

I pretend to relent and say, "Well actually we have picked a name, we just haven't told many people yet." This inevitably shuts them up because they expect me to tell them our name choice although they are neither family nor a close friend. Then I say, "Whether it's a boy or a girl, we're going to name the baby Indiana." I wait a beat. If they don't get it, I continue, "I mean, I only know of one person named Indiana Jones and he's fictional. So I think it's a pretty original name, don't you?" 

Now, 98% of people get that I'm messing with them at that point. And believe me, nothing shuts down a Nosey Nellie faster than giving them the sense that they've been sweetly outsmarted by the innocent looking pregnant girl. They usually respond with an, "Oh you silly." or something like that and quickly change the subject. Another benefit of this game is that it helps to identify the intelligent people around me who overheard the exchange. They're the ones who are smirking silently to themselves.

If you don't happen to have the last name Jones, fear not! Just pick a preposterous pronoun that works with your last name. Think Charlotte Webb or Harrison Harris. You can also choose the name of any number of celebrities or literary characters. I know a guy who insists that when their daughter is born in April, they'll name her "Either Britney, Paris or Lindsay". This statement either causes people to chuckle in amusement and back off or assume he's not the poor girl's real father. Either way, it's pretty entertaining! Watch the puzzlement on Nosey Nellie's face when you explain that you're going to name your firstborn son Albus Skywalker or, if it's a girl Hermione Leia. This tactic will win you the added bonus of being excluded from any committees formed to choose the theme of upcoming community events.

The point is, be creative, keep a smile on your face and enjoy! After all, no one will ever expect the helpless mommy to be of any mischief... until it's too late. Stay tuned for more inappropriate questions and subtly sarcastic responses.

Seacrest Out

Close Enough

Actually it's a class on developing GIS applications using the new version of ArcGIS Server in a .NET environment... but yeah, close enough.

Home Alone

So Mark is gone for eight and a half days (not that I counted) on a business trip. This business trip happens to be about 40 miles from all of our friends in the OC. So while he's staying in his parents cushy guest room and hanging out with all of our friends, I'm here in Durango doing my best to keep from going crazy. Seriously though, he will be stuck in a class for eight hours a day Monday through Friday. I just feel more justified in my jealousy thinking of him hanging with our friends rather and exploring the intricacies of GIS programing in a .NET environment. An no, I don't know what that means. I'm not even sure that's what he's doing.

Anyway, I've set a few goals for myself for this week to keep me occupied. They include, but are not limited to:

• Get into the habit of updating the blog.
• Put away all non-maternity clothing that I can no longer fit into.
• Spring-clean the house (partially because it needs it and partially because I'm hoping Spring will get the hint and come already!)
• Scrapbook all of our Europe trip mementos in the scrapbook I purchased four months ago.
• Reorganize the upstairs bedroom currently functioning as my closet to fit a crib and possibly the accompanying baby in it.
• Finally file the two foot high stack of paper sitting on my file boxes.
• Sort Mark's clothes into piles labeled, "I think he doesn't wear this anymore" and "I know he doesn't wear this anymore" for him to sift into a final "Donate" pile when he comes home. Put away remaining clothes in some kind of organized fashion. 
• Watch a few movies that Mark would never sit through with me. Nothing sad though. I cry listening to the radio these days.

So far I've put away the non-maternity clothes - all the while telling myself that it's going to feel like I got a whole new wardrobe once the baby comes. And I've mopped. Not the greatest start, but hey, I've got a whole week to go!

My Very First Post

Ok, I'm a little behind he curve on this blogging thing. Not that I haven't read or heard about them - I don't live under a rock! I just don't have much savvy when it comes to designing my own blog. So this post is just a test. Once I figure out how to get pictures uploaded right and do neat graphics and links, I'll open this little blog up to family and friends. That way everyone who cares will have access to (somewhat) regular updates on the goings on in the Jones Family. Sounds like a good plan eh? Hopefully I'll get this figured out by the time Sweet Baby Jones makes an appearance.